Now that Thanksgiving has drawn to a close, my social media is filled with one of the most popular holiday memes. It reads: “it’s almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety.” While many are relishing the influx of holiday spirit, others are plagued by the less desirable stress of the season. In fact, many of us are confused by the presence of both of these experiences. They are not mutually exclusive!
So, what makes this time of year so stressful? Is there some way to increase the joy and decrease the stress?
As a DBT therapist, I think about these questions through the lens of the model of emotion. Or at least I do, when I sit down to think about it instead of just enduring it. This model breaks down all emotional reactions into three components that include our thoughts about an event, the actions we take in response to the event and our body’s physical reactions. When we can identify these three components, we can address each factor as a way to change the intensity of our emotions.
For me, the most powerful influence on my emotions is my thoughts about an event. I am an overthinker by nature and my own head can be my biggest enemy. I have a lot of thoughts around the holidays that result in stress. They often circle through my head on repeat.
- I need to find the perfect gifts for everyone
- I need to make sure the house looks perfectly festive
- Forgetting anybody on my Christmas gift list would be a catastrophe
- I need to make sure everyone’s needs are met for a great holiday season.
Have I stressed you out yet? Honestly these are just the highlights. There are so many distortions in these thoughts. Three of the biggest themes though revolve around “black and white thinking,” “catastrophizing” and “personalizing.” I tend to tell myself that if things aren’t perfect the outcome will be catastrophic and that it is all my responsibility. Cue the miserable anxiety!
Conceptually, I know these thoughts are distorted. There is no such thing as perfect. My family and friends will still love me if I don’t nail the gift-giving. The holidays will not be ruined if I don’t get everything “right.” It is not my responsibility to make or break everyone’s holiday experience.
I know this, but I need to actively remind myself so that I don’t turn to my more automatic thought process. I am guessing you can also recognize the distortions in your holiday stress-inducing thoughts. I encourage you to challenge them!
In addition to identifying and challenging stressful holiday thoughts, I am trying to keep my holiday “action urge” in check. Having extra holiday commitments often results in my urge to “do more and do it faster.” That urge only serves to reinforce stress. When we rush, we communicate to ourselves an increased sense of urgency. In contrast, slowing down and doing less reminds us that this urgency isn’t necessary.
Honestly, we can’t completely rid ourselves of the busier schedules that come with the season. However, we can consciously make time to slow down and pick and choose activities that can be eliminated. I love doing some of my online shopping in front of a fire with a cup of coffee rather than dealing with crowds rushing through stores and parking lots. It slows me down and reduces my time commitments. These days, even the local stores often have online options.
Finally, pay attention to the tension in your body. It both results from anxiety and intensifies the anxiety. I keep it simple with a few slow, deep breaths. I also like to sit quietly for a few minutes and scan my body for tension so that I can visualize releasing it. If I am in the mood to splurge, though, my best tension reliever is a massage.
Addressing our thoughts, actions and body sensations around the holidays won’t likely remove all the stress of the season. Yet, it will bring it down a few notches. Hopefully, that reduction will allow for more mindfulness of the parts of the season that bring you joy.
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