My Facebook feed is full of ads for makeup products to cover dark under eye circles. These ads are interspersed with another stream of advertisements for under eye creams that reduce puffiness. I am not sure what I did to let the Facebook gods know I worry about this, but they definitely see me as a prime candidate to buy these products.
They are not wrong. I have clicked on most of them and bought a few. Of course, this only perpetuates the stream of ads.
I have chided myself for being a bit vain in this area, but I know I am not alone. There is a huge market out there for products to make you look less tired. I dare you to tell me you have never at least thought about whether you could camouflage your signs of exhaustion.
What I find really funny though, is that we glamorize looking well-rested as opposed to being well-rested. In fact, many glamorize looking well rested, but also glamorize being exhausted.
While many of us have demanding schedules that negate the possibility of consistent rest and relaxation, I think it is more than that. Many of us, myself included, have internalized conflicting messages. We should look well rested, but we should also consider exhaustion a badge of honor and an accomplishment.
This irony hit me as I scrolled through my eye makeup ads and saw a mom’s post that really resonated with me. It was a picture of her lying on the couch with a blanket. The text explained that she was resting, not because she was sick but because she wanted to. She stated that she wanted to normalize resting in a world where so many of us believe it is impressive to run ourselves to the point of exhaustion.
I don’t know this woman, but she sure seems to know me!
I’ve been thinking back to my high school years. I can remember comparing notes with peers as to how late we had stayed up completing homework. There was an underlying tone that we all felt. The more sleep you had sacrificed, the stronger you were.
This message was unintentionally reinforced at home. While my parents never encouraged me to forgo sleep, I watched my dad do it my entire life. I always respected my dad as a hard worker with an inspiring work ethic. Yet, in doing so, I normalized that he barely slept in order to maintain that. We joked that he left in the dark and came home in the dark. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know he is getting some sleep in retirement!
In college, I was bound and determined to study hard and play hard. I was so good at it that I wound up with mono. Honestly, I think I have been exhausted ever since.
Then came motherhood. Despite agreeing that it is crazy, most moms I know work themselves to exhaustion. Where did we learn that is what “good mothers do?”
For me, the message came naturally with my firstborn. He literally did not sleep more than 20 minutes in a row his first 6 weeks and by a year, I was lucky to get two hours. By necessity, I was up constantly in order to be a good mother to him. The necessity then really reinforced the belief that exhaustion was the sign I was being attentive enough.
We get caught in a vicious circle with destructive beliefs. Once the belief is developed, we act in ways that continue to reinforce it. As I have explained to many clients, we often need to change our behavior in order to change our thoughts.
For me, that means taking naps, despite the guilt, in order to re-train my brain. I want to be a good mom, therapist, family member and friend. I do not want to believe I have to be exhausted to do that. However, I am going to have to risk trying new behaviors in order to change my thought process.
I hope you will join me in my pursuit of naps so we can teach ourselves and the next generation that exhaustion is not a badge of honor.
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