Most of us have had the experience of reaching out and touching something hot only to immediately pull back in pain. Given that I am a bit absent minded in the kitchen, it happens on a regular basis. Not quite sure how I consistently manage to reach into the oven without an oven mitt! Every time it happens, I quickly remove my hand to save it from more pain.
When it comes to physical injury, pain is often the signal to stop what you are doing. That’s why it is so adaptive to have the natural tendency to pull away from the source. However, there are times when pushing through the pain can lead to growth. While I am far from an expert on the gym, I am pretty sure that’s how it works when you are trying to get in better shape. You feel the pain of the sore muscles and it “hurts so good” because you know you are getting stronger.
Emotional pain is not very different from physical pain in this way. There are times when it is an indicator that you should pull away from the source, but there are also times when sitting with the emotion and going through it is far more emotionally healthy.
I was reminded of this while watching the musical “Be More Chill” with my family. The musical was set in high school and focused on the experience of the “class loser.” He opts to take an easy route to navigating the social and emotional stress of the experience. As the audience learns, the easy route feels good in the short-term. However, it has long term consequences that would be avoided by growing through the high school discomforts.
I think many of us can relate to the pain of emotional growth in high school. What about other times? How do you know when emotional pain is an indicator that you should move away from the pain, or allow yourself to experience it? Often it is helpful to consider the long term and short-term consequences of both sitting with the experience and moving away from the pain.
Experiencing grief is a great example. Whether it is grief over a death, a lost relationship, a lost job etc. Any type of grief is very painful. Yet, allowing ourselves to experience the grieving process, provides closure and an ability to slowly move forward.
When we shut ourselves off from these feelings, or take actions to “numb the pain,” it feels easier in the present. However, the long-term consequences can be difficulty moving forward, finding the meaning in our loss and a counter-intuitive worsening of depressive symptoms.
Anxiety is a bit trickier. Anxiety can be a sign to remove ourselves from a situation. By all means, if you see a bear, or someone yielding a weapon, allow anxiety to motivate your avoidance of the source! There is no long-term gain to sitting with this emotion.
At other times, anxiety is a sign that we are about to experience emotional growth. We can get anxious before social situations, or before trying something new. Removing the cause of the anxiety will definitely feel immediately easier. It is important to consider whether confronting the source of this anxiety will lead to future growth.
There is no doubt that emotional growth can be even more uncomfortable than physical growth. The comparison, however can remind us of more than just the potential benefits of enduring. When we are in physical pain after the gym, we take action to soothe the intensity of the pain, without avoiding it all together. We ice and heat sore muscles or take some ibuprofen. We also may rest a little more.
Similarly, we can take action to soothe ourselves when we know we need to sit with emotional discomfort. Find things that soothe your senses such as a cup of tea, a massage, the smell of lavender. These will not numb the pain but will help us tolerate the discomfort.
The next time you have the instinct to avoid emotional pain, try to be mindful of the potential benefits of sitting with it.
