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“Don’t judge me!” my daughter often says with a smile. 

The statement usually follows from her goofing around, or, doing something silly. Sometimes she says it after recounting something that happened in her day. It is almost always said lightheartedly, but there is also a ring of truth to it.

I love that she just says what so many of us are thinking. There are days I want to wear “Don’t judge me” on a t-shirt or tattoo it across my face. Granted, I am pretty sure people would judge that.

The likelihood is that some people would see my new tattoo and be horrified. Others would like it. Many people would be too caught up in their own day to notice. 

The take home message that I share often with my friends, kids and clients is that people do judge. We even judge ourselves! However, the same behavior will always be judged differently depending on the observer. We need to be true to our own values. Easier said than done! I know that will be a constant work in progress for me.

I do think there are two goals that we all need to strive for. On the one hand we need to be driven less by the fear of others’ judgement. On the other hand, we need to work on observing ourselves and others without judgement.

I do not make that claim lightly. I am, unfortunately, judgmental at times also. I am judgmental of my own choices and I am sometimes judgmental of others, no matter how much I try not to be.

Judgements can be helpful when we use them to discriminate information. I am glad most of us can see an animal and judge, or, discriminate whether it is a dog or cat. Courtroom judges spend their lives “judging” whether someone broke the law or did not. It’s the qualitative judgements that get us in trouble. 

Qualitative judgements are when we state a fact but follow that fact with either a stated or implied version of “which is good,” or “which is bad.” 

For example, I am 5’2 (on a good day). That is a fact. Describing myself as too short, however, is a judgement. I also really enjoy 8-9 hours of sleep at night. I used to beat myself up for it because I implied, “which is bad because it means I am lazy.” I have (almost) conquered that judgement.

When my kids were young, they often exclaimed that some food was “bad.” I asked them to instead say they didn’t prefer it. Yes, I do realize that sounds a bit odd, but I was sick of hearing “ewww, gross.” More importantly, there are very few foods that are objectively bad. We just all prefer different tastes. I don’t think too many people would argue with that sentiment. It gets a lot trickier with other preferences.

I really enjoy attending my kids’ events (swim meets, plays etc..). I realized though that I was judging parents who did not attend. I needed to realize that there is no objective definition of how many of your kids’ events you need to attend to be an involved parent. In fact, there are a lot of benefits to kids and parents of not attending every event! My own preferences were leading me to make a qualitative judgement. I am working on just observing these differences without the implied judgement.

Creating a world with no judgement is not realistic. Creating a world where we each observe ourselves and others a little less judgmentally sounds great. It would certainly save me from a very unfortunate tattoo!

I would love to hear about what you are working on observing without judgement!