A client of mine recently shared some really positive feedback she received from her boss. For weeks, she has been stressed and anxious about research she has been working on and needed to present. Like many of us, she generally puts a lot of pressure on herself to excel and one way she assesses her performance is through the feedback she receives.
With that in mind, one would think that receiving positive feedback would be a great experience. As she told me about it, I was truly excited for her. Her response, however surprised me.
She was not excited.
Actually, as I discussed it with her more, it seemed she believed she “shouldn’t” be excited.
This momentarily stumped me.
My client went on to explain that she has always believed we should not be dependent on validation from others. I agree with her. It is important to have a sense of self-worth that is not based solely on how others perceive us and the feedback they give.
Some people are not fortunate enough to have those in their lives that are quick to provide positive feedback. They may be surrounded by loved ones, coaches and bosses that are quick to point out need for improvement, but much slower to praise success. In such situations, it is so important to be able to rely on self-validation to keep us going. I often point out that we can’t always change the ways others respond to us, but we can change the ways we respond to ourselves.
Beyond the possibility that we may not have people quick to verbalize their praise, there will always be mixed reviews depending on the person. What one praises, another is likely to criticize. Whether it is an outfit we chose, a meal we make, or an article we write, it is unlikely that everyone will love it.
For that reason, we also need to be thoughtful about whose validation is important to us. We will always be in trouble if we need validation from everyone. Consider the source. Is it someone whose opinion you respect? Validation from those we don’t respect should certainly have less impact on us. For the sake of argument, I know I don’t need validation from a serial killer.
With all of this in mind, I completely understood my client’s statement that she did not want to depend on validation from others. The disconnect I experienced came from her lack of excitement about the validation she received, not a belief that she should onlyfeel good if she received such feedback.
We can certainly enjoy something without being dependent on it.
Consider so many of the things in life that we shouldn’t need for our happiness. Things like money, significant others, awards, and so much more. The reality that our happiness cannot depend on these things does not mean we can’t be happy when we receive them. I can assure you that I will jump for joy if I ever win the lottery even though I know my happiness and self-worth don’t depend on it.
The key is the difference between needing something versus enjoying something.
At the end of the day, external validation feels good. As much as it is ineffective to allow our self-worth to rely on it, we all benefit from it. Like my client, I try not to need it, but even that is a goal I am still working on. I am willing to bet I am not alone!
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