On Wednesday afternoons I shuttle my son and two friends to their afternoon practice. It is a great opportunity to listen to what’s on their minds. In a recent ride, my son mentioned that he was concerned two different kids he knows were trying to give him the message that they didn’t want him around. My heart sunk. My immediate instinct was to dismiss his fears with “of course they want you around.” I remained silent. My son continued to explain. These other two kids have always gone to the same place to hang out at school. A few weeks ago, he started to join them. He has since observed that they are starting to go a different route each day. “Are they trying to lose me?” he wondered out loud.
His friend quickly reassured him that she often goes different routes and it probably had nothing to do with him. Have I mentioned how much I love this girl?! She offered him what cognitive therapists would call a “benign interpretation” of the facts. Instead of assuming the worst possible meaning of their somewhat vague actions, she suggested a more ambiguous, and far less hurtful, explanation.
I never added my two cents, but I continued to think about the situation. Certainly not an unusual scenario for me! I realized that to dismiss my son’s concerns was invalidating. I think he is awesome, so I want to protect his feelings and have him believe that everyone likes him. That simply isn’t reality for anyone though. Maybe he was misinterpreting their actions, but maybe his instincts were accurate. To dismiss them does him a disservice. At the same time, agreeing with him is certainly not the direction I want to go.
With any of my clients who are jumping to conclusions about the meaning of someone else’s actions, I encourage them to generate multiple alternative interpretations and “check the facts.” In other words, what evidence supports, or disproves each position. Part of this process is checking it out with other people when appropriate.
In my son’s situation, social norms would discourage him from asking these kids if they want him around. These are very nice kids, so they wouldn’t want to intentionally hurt his feelings. They also don’t need to feel pressured to be friends with everyone. They have a longstanding friendship that he has not previously been a part of. They also tend to hang out in very different social circles. I really don’t know the meaning of their actions. I can simply encourage him to check the facts as he sees them. He then has to weigh the pros and cons of continuing to try and pursue a friendship with them.
Whether or not he decides these kids don’t want him around, I don’t want him to make an assumption based on self-doubt. I also want him to be able to observe that some people don’t like us. That is a fact that does not have to be tied to the implication that someone not liking us is automatically a bad thing. There are a million reasons why someone might not like us and not all of these reasons are “bad.” It is understandable to feel hurt and, at the same time, we all need to be confident despite knowing that not everyone can like us all of the time.
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