I have mentioned previously that I am often not a fan of change. It tends to make me anxious and I take comfort in the familiar. I am not alone in this dislike, even within my own family.
We tease my son mercilessly over his dislike of change. While he stopped playing with his Thomas the Train set by the age of 6, we couldn’t convince him to part with the train table in the middle of his room until age 12. He simply couldn’t picture his room without it.
Recently, I saw a quotation that helped me understand our difficulty. It captured the idea that change typically involves two components: what we are losing and what we are gaining. I have a tendency to focus disproportionately on what I am losing. This is especially true when what I am gaining is unclear, or not yet known.
About 12 years ago my husband received a wonderful job offer in Connecticut. It was wonderful except for the fact that we were living in Pennsylvania at the time. As much as I agreed that it was the right move for our family, I was devastated by the change involved and very focused on what I would lose.
Our Pennsylvania home was five minutes from my family. We spent a lot of time with them and they were a critical part of my support system as the working mom of a toddler and infant. We also had been in our first house for under two years. Fixing up the historic home had been a labor of love and it was finally in a place we could sit back and enjoy. As if that wasn’t enough, there were all types of hurdles to jump to transfer my professional license to another state.
These were not changes that were making me happy! It was almost impossible for me to be mindful of the opportunities because I was fully participating in my sense of loss. In my defense, I think my reaction was understandable.
That said, our move to Connecticut has brought our family wonderful opportunities and we have thrived here. The change involved a lot of loss and a lot of gain. Because the gains were unknown, it was far easier to focus on the loss. I needed to mourn those losses, but I also need to balance that sense of loss with the potential for positive outcome.
Though our move was a huge change, the need to balance loss with gain is relevant to small changes as well. My son was focused on the loss of his train table rather than the gain of extra space for the desk he wanted. My kids and I all have a tendency to see September as the loss of summer freedom. Yet we all love the activities and weather we gain in fall.
This week my daughter has been coping with change in her passion for horseback riding. For the past six months she has been training on Athena, a pony she adores. They have built a great relationship and that relationship has fostered incredible improvement in her riding skills. So much so, that she has outgrown Athena. She has to change the horse she trains with.
I have been amazed at her approach to this change. There have definitely been tears over the loss. As I would expect! Yet she is balancing that loss with hopes of what she might gain. We don’t know what horse might prove to be her next “Athena,” but she is leaving herself open the idea that the change can be both painful and exciting.
Once again, the child teaches the parent! It is far easier for me to see this need for a balanced perspective in my daughter and others. I will keep working to be more mindful of this balance as it applies to changes in my life.
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