I am the mom of one of those highly motivated students. Before you want to curse me, I can assure you it comes with some drawbacks. They are different from the ones that come with having an unmotivated kid, but they are just as tricky to navigate.
Recently I ran into just that type of tricky problem.
As a sophomore in high school, my son prides himself on being a straight A student. Beyond being proud of it, however, he has always put an immense amount of pressure on himself to maintain those grades. Having been that type of student myself, I know the anxiety that comes from living in fear of the day a grade comes in that is not an “A.”
Given that my son’s desire to achieve academically comes from him, I have never had to put any pressure on him. In fact, I have always played the opposite role. I am the one constantly reminding him that it is okay to get a lower grade. As I mentioned in “The Best Intentions Can Lead To Invalidation,” I encourage him to take an easier course load. As I also said in that post, he doesn’t respond favorably to those suggestions!
Going into the school year, once again, I reminded him that, with the courses he has chosen, he might have a harder time maintaining his grade standard. I further reminded him that that is okay! He always responded with something to the effect of “yeah, I know.” Contrary to what I hoped, that response is not the same as “that will be okay.”
We were coming up on the last week of the grading quarter. My son was all too aware that he currently had a B+ average in one of his classes. He was not happy! I certainly tried to acknowledge how upsetting that was for him while also reminding him that there was no sin in a “B+.”
I have to admit that I actually thought getting the lower grade would be good for him. Of course, I want him to reach his goals. However, I know there is only one way to decrease the anxiety he holds about getting a lower grade. Its to get one and realize the world does not come crashing down and his life goals have not been rendered impossible.
That said, I also hate watching him upset. So, I started problem solving with him. I knew he had one more last-minute test. I offered up some study strategies. I suggested reaching out to the teacher for guidance. I also mentioned asking his teacher about extra credit. He seemed agreeable to these ideas.
Then the light bulb went off in my head. I was giving him a very mixed message. I was telling him it was okay to get the lower grades, but I was suggesting actions that communicated the opposite. I was telling him to do everything he could to get that “A.” Well, crap.
I realized how often we do this. We tell someone one thing, but our actions communicate the opposite. An obvious example is when we tell someone we aren’t mad, but continue to avoid them, or be short-tempered. The message is clear despite our words. There is a similar clear message when we tell someone we want them to make a decision that makes them happy, but we frown at their choice.
I knew I couldn’t take back my mixed message, so I decided the best I could do was acknowledge it. I explained that in my attempts to support his goals, I was concerned
I accidentally communicated that I need him to get the “A.”
Guess what… he got a “B+” for the quarter and I couldn’t be happier for him.
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