Recently, my husband noticed me shaving and made a suggestion as to how I could make my life easier. At first, I noticed feeling a bit irritated. I have been shaving on my own for quite a while. However, I gave it a try. He was totally right.
The oddity wasn’t that my husband had a helpful suggestion. He often does. The oddity was my not being offended by his suggestion. There was a moment, but I caught myself. I opted to interpret his suggestion for what it was…an interest in being helpful.
In doing so, I became very aware of the thought that triggered my initial irritation. The thought bubble would have read “he doesn’t think I know how to do this.” He never actually said that. It was an assumption I was making with no evidence to support it. I think this is a common assumption people have when someone offers advice.
There is truth to the idea that advice is a suggestion that someone can do something better. However, that is different from a statement that a person is doing something wrong or is incompetent. We can almost always learn more effective, or simply different ways of approaching a situation.
Admittedly, I sometimes get stuck in a “willful” position that my way is right, or good enough. I can often benefit from being more willing to hear advice without the interpretation that doing it differently means my way was wrong.
The shaving incident alerted me to how often I get upset by a suggestion to change something. A suggestion to add more salt to a dish or try wearing my hair a certain way is heard as “I don’t like your current food, or current hairstyle.” More often than not, the comment is intended to suggest that someone would enjoy both ways of making the dish or wearing my hair.
My kids object when they have a great performance and a coach points out what they could have done better. The reality is that no matter how great a performance, there is almost always something that can still be improved. Should the coach only give compliments? Optimally, a coach gives positive and constructive feedback. That’s true with advice in relationships as well.
This isn’t to say that sometimes un-requested advice shouldn’t be given. Not only can it be misinterpreted, but it can feel hurtful when advice is given more frequently than appreciation of how we already do things. Furthermore, a lot of people also notice advice more than appreciation. Thus, it can feel even more out of balance to the recipient.
I am not ignoring the fact that a suggestion can be a comment on someone’s perception of your ability to handle something, or a reflection of not liking the way you do it. However, I am cautioning against assuming this to be the case all the time. We need to check our evidence. That includes considering whether the source of the advice is someone who cares a lot about you.
I have no doubt that I will continue to receive a lot of unsolicited advice in my life. I plan to work on reminding myself that advice is not synonymous with criticism.
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