I spent most of my school years having variations of the same anxiety dreams as each “first day of school” approached. One took the form of showing up to school naked only to find everyone pointing and laughing. The other involved realizing that finals were the next day and I had missed the classes all year. It doesn’t take much interpretation to see my anxiety!
Years later, my kids now cope with their own anxiety the night before school starts. One would think mine would have disappeared, but, no! Now it just takes different forms. I spent much of the day before “the first day” in a perpetual state of anxiety. I thought it was related to any number of small worries.
Having just returned from vacation, my re-entry to-do-list was long. It all felt pressing even though I knew rationally that none of it was. Okay, so perhaps the fact that our pool had turned green was a bit distressing, but certainly not a catastrophe. My son and I were also stressed about technical problems printing his SAT admission ticket for this weekend. Annoying, but I am sure we will figure it out (please cross your fingers for us). My emotions, however, were disproportionately intense considering these types of stressors.
The truth of my anxiety became clear as I tried to sleep the night before school started. With a son beginning his senior year, I was suddenly filled with anxious thoughts about whether I have sufficiently prepared him to leave the nest. I only have one more year! Just like my dream where I was completely unprepared for finals, I felt completely unprepared.
I started running through lists in my head of things I may not have taught him yet. When I saw him in the morning, it took all my strength to not start telling him my whole list. I mean, what seventeen-year-old wants to deal with his mom’s anxiety at 6 in the morning by having “thoughtful discussions of important topics?!” With every topic that flew through my head, I had to repeat to myself “now is not the time.” Somehow, I mostly managed to contain myself.
Once my kids were off for their first day, the anxiety turned to sadness as I thought about this being his last “first day.” Undoubtedly, that sadness was contributing to the intensity of my anxiety as well.
I tortured myself a bit by looking through some old photo albums. In doing so, I realized just how many things I had helped him learn over the years. At one point he couldn’t do anything for himself and he can definitely now feed himself, walk and use the bathroom 😉 Surely, I had missed some lessons, handled some poorly and handled some well. Through it all, he has made it to senior year, and I am extremely proud of the young man he is.
In realizing that, I remembered that I felt anxious at every new stage, but that anxiety never translated into not being able to handle it. I worried I hadn’t read to him enough as a baby. I wondered if he would adjust to day care. I then worried as he started each new school from kindergarten through high school. Of course, I am still worrying.
However, I now know that as I worry about the future, I can look back at my evidence. My son and I have learned the necessary lessons for change this far. We will likely make it through another one.
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