Have you ever been told you are “overreacting?”
While there are times that this feedback can be an important source of information, it can also be incredibly invalidating and hurtful. It is one of the comments my clients complain most about. The reason is that their reactions may be disproportionate to the situation, but those reactions often make sense in light of how they experienced the event.
Consider sitting on an airplane as it taxis towards takeoff. I am typically looking for a piece of gum in hopes that my ears won’t clog. I am also likely pulling out a book and settling in, hoping for a little down time. Another person on that same plane may be anxiously wringing their hands and taking deep breaths to calm some slight anxiety about flying. Yet another person may be experiencing full blown panic as the plane begins to pick up speed.
I do not have a fear of flying. It would be easy for me to assume the person panicking is over-reacting. As a kid, I am pretty sure I felt that way as my mom was the one panicking next to me. I also likely told her she was “overreacting.”
It is true that these panicking individuals are overreacting to my belief that we will experience a safe flight. However, there are many people who truly believe that a plane ride is just seconds away from plummeting out of the sky. They are not overreacting to that belief.
The distinction here is that people are reacting in a valid way to what they are experiencing. However, that experience may not be based in accurate facts.
Many people recognize these reactions in cases of phobias. However, this is a far more common phenomenon.
I frequently hear clients tearfully tell me about a fight between themselves and a friend. Just as often, their tears intensify as they explain that everyone is telling them they are overreacting. At first glance they may be.
Then I listen longer and realize that they aren’t just responding to the content of the fight. The intensity of their reaction is based on their belief that the friendship won’t recover, or that they will “never have friends again.” A bystander may see this as an overreaction, but at least one of the people involved, wholeheartedly believes there will be dire consequences for the friendship.
For those of us who live with teenagers, we often see some very intense emotional reactions. You do not want to be in my house when my daughter gets interrupted, or when my son oversleeps for morning swim practice. My kids’ reactions are strong!
It is tempting to tell them to “stop overreacting.” I try to remember that, at those times, my daughter feels we don’t care what she has to say, or my son fears he has “blown it.” Their emotional displays match how they are feeling.
Similarly, I may react very intensely to a relatively small issue like a messy house. Sometimes I can calmly ask people to clean up, but other times I feel like I want to lose my mind. My reaction is out of proportion to the few dishes scattered around the house. However, it is far more consistent with my experience of being exhausted, in need of some down time and feeling taken advantage of.
When we tell people they are overreacting, we are telling them their feelings aren’t legitimate. Not only does that sting, but it also often has the result of only intensifying their reaction. I don’t know about you, but when I am really upset, the comment “you are overreacting,” is likely to push me over the edge!
That said, I know we all sometimes have reactions whose intensity doesn’t match the situation. That feedback is helpful when given after validating the emotions. Try to understand why the person’s emotion is so intense, instead of dismissing it. When we feel like our emotions are being understood, we are more open to feedback that helps us test our beliefs about a situation.
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