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Some time ago I worked with a teen client regarding symptoms of an eating disorder. As we worked together, she revealed many other symptoms that were consistent with a history of childhood trauma. Yet, I knew she had no knowledge of any such trauma and reported a very happy childhood. I finally stumbled on an important question and found that while she had no such history, her mom did.

This is not an unusual pattern. Our relationships with our parents and their own histories have great impact on us in so many ways. There are direct influences, such as the impact of us, as children, hearing about events from their lives. That can shape the way we see the world. There are also indirect effects when our parents’ experiences shape the way they interact with us and the world at large. Finally, research indicates that life events can lead to genetic changes that are passed down through generations.

I have always found this topic fascinating. My own mother was a survivor of childhood trauma and its impact ran through our relationship as well as my childhood. In both positive and not so positive ways, her experience has shaped me.

Given my interest, I recently stumbled on a book entitled “It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Trauma Shapes Who We Are And How To End The Cycle.” It is written by Mark Wolynn. It was such a great read and I have included a link below to purchase it in a variety of formats. I highly recommend adding it to your summer reading list.

As a psychologist who operates largely from the perspective of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, I am a strong believer in its underlying assumptions. One such assumption is that even if we have not caused all our problems, it is still our responsibility to fix them. I believe that includes understanding the role of our parents’ and grandparents’ experiences and learning ways to move forward effectively with this knowledge.

As many historians will say, those who forget history are destined to repeat it. Similarly, we may re-enact family behavioral patterns more readily if we are not aware of them.

Beyond, understanding our history, I loved Wolynn’s perspective on our relationships with our parents. Consistent with dialectical thinking, he encourages us to move away from blame and more towards a position of validating the experiences of the generations before us that may have caused us pain. Once again, there is a consistency with DBT assumptions. Specifically, we are more effective when we solve our problems rather than judge and blame others for them.

So many of my clients tell me the root of their problems is a “dysfunctional family.” Honestly, I am not so sure what a fully functional family even looks like 😉 Every family has its baggage. So many of us get trapped in our anger at that baggage. I truly believe it is our anger that holds us back the most. By understanding and validating the experiences of our family members, we can think more dialectically and let go of some of that anger. That allows us to move forward most effectively to live the lives we value.

I hope you will check out the book and share your thoughts!