In my clinical practice, I work a lot with adolescents and young adults. One of the common topics of conversation among this age group is being overwhelmed by the amount of schoolwork they have to do. For some, this is a minor stressor and for others it occupies a lot of brain space. For still others, the stress is crippling and paralyzes them from any action.
When confronted with a seemingly overwhelming task, many of us freeze up. We tell ourselves “I can’t do it,” a thought that creates a lot of distress. In order to ease this distress, many people avoid the task all together. In the short-term, the distress is all gone. Unfortunately, in the long term, avoidance typically bites us in the ass with even more distress.
A far more effective approach that I work with clients on is a DBT skill entitled “one thing in the moment.” There is no mystery to this skill. Its effectiveness stems from its simplicity. It teaches us to break things down into small enough steps that each step feels doable. We then take a first step. The sense of accomplishment derived typically lowers our distress enough to take the next step.
Consider a child’s first day of kindergarten. It typically involves a slow warm up to a new environment and some fun activities. What would happen if, instead, the teacher presented a list of everything the child would need to complete before moving on to high school? Can you picture the melt downs and exploding heads?
The list would be overwhelming. Yet, most kids do in fact move on to high school. They do so one step at a time.
The key is to notice our emotional reaction of “I can’t do this” and redirect it to a wise mind approach of “I can do this one step at a time.”
I was recently faced with overcoming the “I can’t do this” mentality when confronted with taking down the pool we assembled for our covid summer. It was a great idea at the time. It allowed for some summer fun and for our son to continue his swim training during uncertain times. What I did not realize after the entire family assembled it, was that it would have to come down each winter and that I would be responsible for this task.
I have come to realize that physical strength and technical know-how are not my strong points. I stared at this pool for weeks feeling overwhelmed and afraid of reading directions. When I finally did, I often only tackled one step in a day. Observers might have thought I had given up, but I know myself well enough to realize I was better off ending with a success and starting again the next day. In the end, I did need some help, but I accomplished far more than I expected when I first realized the task at hand.
The pool is an isolated overwhelming task, but the approach applies to much larger obstacles. Many of us have gone through a lot of transitions during the past year. At times I have felt overwhelmed by the changes I have faced. It is at those times, I take a deep breath and start breaking things down to one thing in the moment. Looking at where I needed to end up would have paralyzed me. Yet, just like a kindergartener making it through school, I have slowly been getting where I need to go.
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