Have you ever noticed when having a conversation with someone that you miss part of what they are saying because you are planning your response? I know I have been guilty of it. It is one of many ways that we become poor listeners.
I often have couples, or a parent and teen in my office who are having difficulty resolving an issue. Commonly, I watch each party argue their position passionately. What I see less frequently is for each individual to listen with the passion they put into arguing.
I get it. I know that when I feel strongly about something, my primary concern is driving home my point. I am so consumed with being heard that I forget the other person wants to be heard just as desperately. Yet if you have two people who want badly to be heard and neither of them is working as hard to hear, there is a big problem.
There is yelling, attacks, and hurt feelings. There is escalation in anger. There is frustration. There is also little chance of resolution or problem solving.
One key to effective problem solving is to put as much energy and passion into listening as we do into arguing.
How many times have you said or heard phrases like “that’s not what I said,” or “you aren’t really listening to me,” or “you don’t get it!” All of these phrases represent a primary trigger for the escalation of arguments. We are so busy making our argument and not busy enough making sure we are understanding the other’s point of view.
While I will always encourage people to work on their listening skills to improve relationships, my current focus on this issue stems from a different place. Specifically, I am observing the lack of passionate listening play out in society as a whole.
As a society, I feel we have become incredibly polarized. Each of us has strong opinions on so many of the issues that face our world. So many of us are willing to argue them passionately…particularly on social media. Unfortunately, what I don’t see is people listening to the perspectives and ideas of others with the same passion that they are arguing.
I am not suggesting that we need to listen more so that we can all change our minds. Rather I am suggesting that by listening to others we can understand different points of view both as a mechanism for helping others’ thoughts evolve as well as our own.
One of the features I love most about DBT is its emphasis on validation of both self and others. When we validate someone, we show them respect by communicating that their point of view is important and deserving of our time. It is important enough that we can work to fully understand it by paying attention, asking questions and checking to make sure we are understanding what the other person is trying to say.
Validation does not require agreement, but a willingness to understand that another person feels strongly and has developed their beliefs for a reason. We can disagree without discounting the opinion.
DBT teaches us that validation is a key element to decreasing anger and hostility while increasing cooperative problem solving!
It is not easy to take a breath from arguing and focus that energy on listening. In fact, it is incredibly hard. Yet, time and time again I am struck by how effective it is.
I am wishing this for us as a society right now. Each of us needs to improve our listening. This does not mean we stop voicing our beliefs with passion. It simply means we listen with as much passion.
This is a challenge I am working on. I feel very passionately about many social justice and political issues. I will make my opinions heard. Yet in noticing my frustration when I don’t feel heard, I am also trying to hear other people. I truly believe this is the only way we can evolve together to create lasting change.
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