Last night my family and I were watching an episode of “The Fosters.” Guilty admission….I really enjoy this teen drama. I think of it as a lesson in “how many poor decisions can your teen make?” One of the things I love about it is that its a great springboard for some discussions with our kids. I guess they don’t mind these discussions too much because they still watch with us.
This particular episode addressed the parents taking the doors off their kids’ bedrooms in an effort to prevent the kids from keeping secrets. The psychologist in the episode explained that bedroom doors aren’t the reason for secrets. Kids often keep secrets because of the way parents respond to them. Specifically, parents often mistakenly give the message that they aren’t listening and are only judging.
The truth of this made me question what I do to send that message. Then the light bulb went off. I remembered a comment my daughter made to me about a year ago. It went something like this. “Mom, can you just let me finish and not cut me off?”
Ouch!
Was I, a trained listener, really doing that?
Yes, I was.
Often I interrupt as a shortcut. Like every mom, I am tired and juggling being pulled in several directions. Sometimes I believe I already know what she is about to say. I may feel determined to have my own point heard. Other times I just get excited by what she is sharing and want to contribute. Whatever the reason, I know interrupting isn’t an effective way to show I am listening.
Professionally, I know that when we interrupt people, we are unintentionally sending the message that we don’t care what they have to say. We are suggesting that their thoughts and emotions aren’t important. I don’t think these are the messages we are trying to send. I know I am not.
The funny thing is that my accuracy in predicting what my daughter is about to say is very mixed. While I think I know my daughter pretty well, I am definitely not a mind reader. It’s not really fair when I react based on what I think she is going to say. When I hear her out, I frequently wind up with a very different reaction. She has some great points!
My daughter says I have made progress, but I am definitely still guilty of interrupting. I sometimes catch myself as I start. Thats when I take a deep breath and smile. She usually laughs. I will keep working on it!
Guilty as charged and such a hard habit to break
I felt like I was reading about myself-I’m a mind reading interrupter!, and not always on target with the mind reading part. A lot of us, not only parents can relate to this!!
So true. Need to breathe and just listen more without the intent to solve, or input our own story, or cut someone short. In a rushed world, it can be so challenging!