Years ago, I had a client who came up with a personal mantra that made me smile. He had spent years telling himself he was ugly. This incredibly insecure and self-deprecating young man decided that, when exercising, he would chant “I am hot, I know it. I’m sexy and I show it.” He chanted the rhyme to me in my office. I loved it then and I love it now.
We say so many hurtful and unsupportive things to ourselves. In fact, many of the things we say to ourselves are more hurtful than what others say to us. They are certainly far more hurtful than anything we would dream of saying to a loved one.
I have heard people who walk around telling themselves things such as “I am worthless,” “I will always be a failure,” “I am stupid,” “I am so ugly that no one can love me.” The list goes on indefinitely, but it is frankly upsetting to even write.
Most of these statements come from feelings of distress. Yet, DBT teaches us that encouraging ourselves can significantly decrease distress.
Often people argue with me that they don’t deserve to say nice things to themselves. This is a frustrating argument. I can come up with tons of evidence that anyone deserves encouragement, but it typically is shrugged off. I have learned that falling into this trap is not helpful. Rather, I challenge clients to ask themselves whether, right, or wrong, saying these mean things to themselves is effective.
I often use personal examples. For example, I am looking older and older. This is a fact of the aging process. Yet repeating this to myself is depressing and discouraging. It is far more effective to find a true but encouraging statement. Lately, I have tried “I may have more wrinkles, but they don’t take away from what I have to offer.” It’s not perfect, but it is true. I am also open to suggestions 😉
Those of us who have played sports, or watched our children play sports can differentiate helpful coaching styles from damaging ones. Would you allow a coach to tell your child he is “worthless,” or “a failure?” These statements are hurtful without any likelihood of resulting in improvement.
In contrast, the coach who corrects a player while also encouraging them brings out the best in their team. We need to be that coach for ourselves.
As much as I love the mantra my one client above came up with, I realize it may feel too inauthentic for people. A more moderate approach can sometimes be more helpful. It is certainly more effective to say, “some people may not find me attractive, but others will.” It is encouraging and truthful.
In the same vein, I like encouraging myself with “this is hard, but I can do it,” “I may not be good at everything, but there is plenty I am good at,” or “it may take some time, but I will get there.”
I am not saying I always feel positively. I have simply recognized that encouraging myself has a far better shot at getting where I want to be.
I would love to hear your favorite words of encouragement!
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